convicted or 无罪释放 (hw do u say this in eng?)

e weekend been a killer for me, all the time!!!
almost murdered myself (again). apparently i survived,
not sure if i've committed manslaughter though...

dont know when i can truly outgrown those.
yep a lot more to learn down the road...
and i wont hesitate to admit my mistakes.

be it my egoism or self-centreness or plain immaturity..
when things go bad, i can only see things from my
narrow perspective, what's more with a truckload of reasoning?
it's like they flow oh so naturally~~~
hence, why wld i even think i'm wrong?

that resulted nights of tearing, blaming and imagining...
literally 自导自演. think he seriously cant be bothered.
i was pathetically desperate for a response, and
i'll say anything for one. i think i can quite creative,
(fr watching a lot of drama serials)
and that can be really really bad...

what exactly happened？

he just doesnt feel like talking at the moment. and...
"i cldnt accept the fact that he doesnt feel like talking to ME"
i've probably disillusioned myself long enough
that i think im really a goddess or what?
sighh

everyone has his temper and way of handling..
i better remember that.

insecure, imaginative, low self-esteem are
my other lethal accomplice.

been over a year, not long but what we experienced were immense..
the lowest moment of my life was also where i felt ur love most...
most dreaded yet missed.. thks :)

i muz kick the habit of mentioning abt 'giving up' *slaps mouth*
yes even if U cant stand my indecisiveness, my untidiness,
my laziness, my stupidity.... and I cldnt stand ur stinky temper,
ur haughtiness, ur crudeness, ur fat ass (kiddin') etc.,
we gotta be patient with each other.. compromise.. learn.. improve..
and if all those failed.. we shld still hold on.. and try to Accept.

other than a change of heart, everything else can be worked out.
that is if we want to. right?

having said so much.. somehw i cldnt diminish this fear in me..
that i cld hv been wrong to perceive ur sudden coldness
as something not so severe..

i mean, is there anything else that happened?
are u still the same u?

the past 2 weeks been quite disastrous.
despite wanting to cherish those moments the best we could,
we ruthlessly made the worst out of it.
me 1st, then him.
almost cldnt take it. sigh

anw, we'll hv less chance to piss* each other off fr today onwards.
other than nt seeing each other** phonecalls too :(

shitz im knocking out soon.

*also means sayang
**excl. necessarily planned dates

*Updated*
apparently, all of the below were interpreted by my narrow-minded self.
mind cleared up so much after pouring out to sh,
and i came to agree that the prob lies in me.
he's nt at any fault except that he cld be gentler when commenting :p
heng he cld still take my nonsenses. keke
for me, it's reflection and working on it more.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

i dunno if pms is one reason,
im utterly pissed to the core over one issue,
literally feel like strangling anyone.

to me, love is about acceptance of one's flaws..
for a happier r/s, we will genuinely put in effort to improve..
and NOT bcos we need to meet each other PREFIXED standards.
how tiring will it be if we constantly have to work
to meet each other's changing expectations and demands
that may pop up any other day.

stop telling me that it shldnt be the way or that shld be the way.
it's ourselves who set the standards. not everyone is like you.
of cos u can consider finding someone else who is juz like u.

i was juz feeling a lil shocked that day why a frd and her boy
cld almost break up over 'he setting his expectation
that a wife must not work and shld stay at home'.
now I GOT IT, dear.

urgh im going crazy.
i cant imagine a marriage whereby im always worrying
that my hubby will nt be pleased with the cleanliness of the house,
or the dinner not tasty enough. bcos of the standards he set up high.

i know i may nt be talking a lot of sense above. i juz cldnt help it!

moodswing

they bought a cake for me today :)
and we had a not-so-yummy tomyam steamboat session.
dishes still unwashed.

didnt manage to talk to him much today.

hmm. realised some hard truths.
how much do words worth?
yea, im more naive than i thought.

so what made us come this far?
is it really l-o-v-e or me clinging on to him too much?
do i really want him to end things with her, so that he can be with me?
is that what he really want?
will i be okay if he couldnt do it?
how long more can i wait?
is he willing to go after me again if he did manage to settle things?

my heart feels cold and tired. he's not here with me.
im not happy at this moment.

mind says 'go away, let's not see each other again for the time being'.
heart knows i hv difficulty achieving the above.
if only im 潇洒 enough to leave this place.

sometimes i do wonder..
maybe, maybe u will remember me better if we could not be together afterall.
or perhaps im juz jealous of her?

the thought of Japan made me sad. but i really hope to visit it someday soon..
also hoping that going there for real & enjoying it will override that darn sadness.

Letter fr MOE

hey girls,

I've been offered the appointment letter fr MOE after less than 2 weeks!
Didnt realize the letter until today. haiz.

It states that I need to start contract teaching fr 2 January 2008 onwards,
but i did indicate in my application that I can only start May 2008..

I dont want to leave my current job so abruptly
and wanna ensure I get all the bonus leh..
so I just emailed MOE if I can start later.. you think possible?

by the way, they offered me what I asked for,
i.e. to teach Primary school, General subjects. keke
think they must be in need of teachers now.. hmmm

wow.. a switch of career soon.. new challenges ahead.
pl, i will need advice fr u nw and then liao, cannot ignore me.
haha

time for the next step, very MUCH delayed

mths back, he did suggest that we cut off contact for the time being,
till he resolved the matter.

it's me who cldnt accept it.. way too afraid of losing him. insanely unstable.
hence we carried on..

after some 'empowerment'.. nw i feel much more ready for it..
definitely nt 100%.. but i'm willing to try...

agreeing to what he said,
if we cant even survive this break, hw cld we last till future then?
at the same time, this serves as a good test to our r/s.
more crucially, we cant really afford to be found out again.

aiya actually, all along i know the above. but all i cld was cry at that idea then.
so.. the challenge is always me.. my weak self.. (thus the thought of going abroad)
i probably have to set dumb rules to remind myself.

and that's starting NOV 2007.
silly but still hope to exclude special dates like:
- braces removal day 21st Nov
*to be added when i think of more

we still hv a couple of lovey dovey weeks to go. cheers

fact is

the more u 'try' to wake me up..
the more u are pushing me away..

but i will nvr blame what u hv said. i'm the one who erred.
so express all that u want.

juz to clarify,
to me, approval is asking if this is ok b4 i do it.
while acceptance is accepting it as fact.
of cos, u are free to deny and object all u want..

but, hw shld i feel when ur words changed.
from thinking/worrying abt me alone to HER interests?
so how? compensate? no way.

to me, thinking for HER is history alrdy. i did.

i know u gers worry abt my safety.
she can try to harm me. i deserve it anw.

msn with mh (edited)

j says:
r u v disappointed after yday's meeting?
i says:
quite. sh knows too
j says:
i knew. i know u muz have hated it when i kept talking n talking abt it yday
i says:
it's impossible nt to be affected cos e 3 of u r so close to me
i says:
but of cos i can understand ur tots
j says:
but u give me e feeling tat we r gonna be quite distant bcos of this matt
i says:
thing is, can u all feel mine..?
j says:
i can n i know its not easy
j says:
it sEems like u have gone v deep into e r/s n u r v commited into it already.
j says:
since e situation cant be reversed anymore, would u like us to be by ur side, n there to protect u?
i says:
i will still be me.. dont worry... juz tt i may nt b able to pour out much rgd'g me n him..
i says:
yea all i need is that u gers will still be there
j says:
y? afraid tat we'll penalise him?
i says:
maybe? it juz feels weird.. if i talk abt the good things, u gers prob feel otherwise.. if i talked abt the bad, the only reaction u gers most prob will hv is y then i carry on
j says:
wat we can do is to get to know him perhaps? u may feel unfair tat we r passing -ve comments abt him e yday though we do not know him at all. but it's v natural for us to do so, cos we felt tat right fr e start he shd have clarified things properly with his ex, before bringing u into e pic.
i says:
i didnt deny that he did wrong
i says:
sure he's fine abt getting to know u gers
i says:
one thing for sure.. pls dont worry if u gers cant save me from possible hurt ok? like i said (quite many times. haha).. i juz need u all to be there loh.
j says:
let's put it this way -- as frens, we want e best for u. hearing abt his past makes us worried. but since u have already chosen this path, we also have to believe tat e choice u made is right, and we want to hear fr u tat e rs is working out well.
i says:
i really do understand hw u all feel. actually there's nothing best or no best.... if i didnt be with him.. can u all guarantee that i will nt be hurt by my nx guy (even though the new one doesnt has the same issue as him)?
i says:
and i confidently tell u that now, he's great in all aspects. very nice and protective yet nt overly. he hopes i will be more independent. and still grumbles abt my flaws.. esp. punctuality and untidiness and also my ignorance.. he's hot-tempered but cools down fast.. and he apologises.. and really making an effort to improve. most imptly, he takes gd care of me and makes me real amused, happy.
i says:
he doesnt smoke, gamble or drink (unless required due to work). he's very unique in my eyes. yea im smitten.
i says:
still our future is unknown.. it's up to him to make it happen
j says:
im glad to see those last 2 msgs.
j says:
really.
i says:
he's definitely nt the perfect guy ard.. but he's the one i want now (minus his current shitty status)
i says:
i dunno hw u gers can understand.. the bond b/w us is juz unexplainable.. u can almost imagine that it's impossible to feel the same with someone else.. or probably im daydreaming too much. haha
j says:
outsiders can never feel e bond. so i sort of can understand.
i says:
yep.. cos sure u and yz shares one too
j says:
im still worried of this 'shitty' status. i just hate it but i still wanna feel happy for u.
j says:
ive always said tat i cant imagine u being so strong this past 1 yr. i cant imagine if i were u. but if theres anything wrong, make sure u let us know ok?
i says:
think u shld know im nt a very strong person.. surviving this 1 year.. like i said, he ought to deserve some credit
i says:
actually im very risk-averse one... but he managed to make me willing to take this one... :)

dearies, how to pour out more to you again?

yday's meetup was more like a reminiscence of my worst pain of this abyss..
admitted that i've thought what u are seeing, & worried abt what u are doubtful of.
yet i wishfully seeked for ur acceptance.. and juz be there if i do fall.
no i dont need support yet as i can understand tt it's illogical.

yes u care. but y do i feel more detached...?

disappointed that pl's words changed frm that 7th mth dinner nite..
i rem u said there isnt exactly right or wrong when comes to love.
it juz happened sometimes w/o ourselves in ctrl. life is full of uncertainties,
so long we know what we are doing and be ready if the bad has to come.
and that u are in no position to comment much cos u are not us.

did u know hw much ur words consoled me and
made me feel so much better after so long?..
yet those were untrue.

like them, u couldnt accept. u are definitely not ok abt it.

im hurt that u all doubt his worth. yes i may be blinded.
who isnt when they are in love?

in fact, yday will push me more towards him for emotional support
cos u girls cldnt spare me some..
or rather the kind that i need.

he's wrong to hv betrayed. im wrong to hv accepted. we are wrong.
we are unforgivable sinners.
so? can the hurt be undone now?

well, u feel that at least i could be saved from further heartbreaking
if i stopped now? still, u are not me.
i will not give up till im convinced, till we have tried.

and no u cant assume that he will fail. u are not him.

yes i most probably would nt be able to escape from the insecurities.
that's another issue.

i chose this path. im already aware of the super high stake im placing.
i gotta face all consequences.
time.. emotions.. hw ppl look at me.. my lifetime happiness..

anw it's juz a big joke if i hv to consider abt her feelings now.
in fact im nt afraid of her, except her affecting my family.

at times, i really do wish i could just vanished. be away from here..

time will tell.

AN ABYSS

is as deep as your fear of the hidden feelings inside of you or of a situation that threatens your happiness. Falling in this abyss reflects your despair and anxiety. Dreaming of an abyss will tell you that you need to overcome your deepest fears and get rid of the obstacles in your way.